Insomnia. Possibly my greatest failing. At night when i should be drifting off to a blissful slumber and dreams, instead I am in pain. It is a pain born of all the thoughts that I didn’t or don’t have time for during the day. My analytical mind turns on and goes to town, churning out idea after idea. Sometimes they are solutions to projects I am working on. Others are projects that would be fun to start. Other times I am analyzing every fork, twist, and turn in a conversation or interaction I had that day. All of these things tend to leave me with a whirring mind, a churning stomach and the red eyes of the undead.
The times that I am analyzing conversations and my relation to people and the rest of the outside world are the worst. Suddenly the lighthearted innocent conversations I may have had come back to me in a sinister light. All of the things people said to me are twisting and taking on darker and less comfortable meanings. What seemed heartfelt and honest only hours ago now seems plastic and brittle, like if I were to breath too sharply the facade would break and the less pleasant meaning would come sulking into the light.
There is also no other time of the day that I feel such horrible and crushing loneliness. I feel lost, hopeless, like I’m drifting in a world all my own. No one else is here with me and thus I am left with my own ever sickening thoughts and the oppressing force of my own solitary condition.
Why else would I be sitting in bed at this hour pouring out this drivel? I am exhausted, physically and emotionally every night by the repetition and routine of this sleepless internal battle. And what am I to do? I have tried all of the remedy’s in the book short of medication. I have tried meditation, warm milk (and I hate milk!), you name it, I have had it recommended and tried it. Somehow I still feel that it is not healthy to get this worked up. Most of the time I am fairly un-stressed and calm, but come long, sleepless nights and I am abandoned to the fate of a worry wort, over-thinker, psycho. I become hopeless, rambling in my own head looking for the key, my release from this sick situation and dreamless wasteland.
What is it? What is the key to my sleep and sanity? It sounds weak but I feel like if there was someone else here to hold me and be held, I would not feel this way. My head may cease its spinning and twisted imaginings and settle into the folds of slumber. Is it too much to ask, to just be able to sleep and dream like anyone else.
FUCK.
